I hesitate to post this. It feels very private. Yet, I created this blog to be honest with myself. I wanted to see my life from another angle. This just wasn't the angle I was looking for.
Dear Diary,
I know lately I've been acting like a real jerk. Sure, my parents have been a little rough on me but maybe,just maybe, I deserved all of it. My mom might have done me a favor when she told me I made her sick to look at.
For some reason, now, my parents are being nice to me. That makes it kind of hard to wanna run away.
I wondered today what would really happen if I ran away. It rained all day today and I imagined myself cold and wet. Then I thought of the waste of starving myself and freezing only to find out that there is nobody out there who would want me. No one wants a runaway.
Then I wondered if my friends would miss me.
Maybe I can sort things out. Maybe. My life is a maybe.
That was tough to own up to. I am in denial about struggling with depression as an adult. Could I have been depressed as a kid? I think this is what depression looks like when written down in black and white. Why don't I remember writing this? Why didn't I write more? I can't imagine my mom saying I make her sick. I love her very much and I know she loves me too. Our relationship was strained back then. But what caused all that? I remember my childhood as happy. I remember my teen years as emotional. I cried a lot. But isn't that how it is for all teen girls? I'm not clearing anything up for myself. Just asking lots of new questions. I think I need to talk to this girl who was me so many years ago.
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