Saturday, June 30, 1990

This made me laugh too. I was being so random.

Dear Diary,
I need to shave my legs. I don't know why I am writing this but my legs are gross! I'm just sitting here looking at them. I wish they looked like Elsie Schneider's legs.

You would just have to know Elsie Schneider to really appreciate that. I'm sure you each know an "Elsie" from some point in your life.
Elsie was a girl in my class who everyone liked. Not only was she friendly but she was a natural beauty. I thought she was close to perfect. She was tall and blonde. (every short brunette's dream!)
I wonder whose legs Elsie wished for. Girls out there: love your legs. They are yours and you're stuck with them. Be glad you have legs and stop wanting different ones. YOURS look beautiful on YOU!!!
(Trust me)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Thursday, June 28, 1990

This entry made me laugh a little.

Dear Diary,
Mom had this little drama fit today on how she wanted me to be happy AND she wanted me to like her. I don't hate her anymore. But this is my new saying...
To understand a parent you must be a parent.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, June 27, 1990

Dear Diary,
Today I'm not going to write about how I love Joe McIntyre or how I can't wait to see Dax.
All I know is that for the last 15 minutes my mom and dad have been yelling and screaming. I don't know if they're yelling and screaming at each other or what. All I know is that there is some big thing going on with mom's family. I think Lucy and Gracie are scared.


Looking back, I think I was scared. Mom and Dad didn't fight in front of us. They rarely raised their voices to one another. But if there was a problem, everything would be secretive. If something was going on in the family, they would discuss it behind closed doors. My sisters and I were left in the dark about many things. "Protected". I get wanting to shelter your children. But I think my parents went too far. I didn't see it at the time. I started to understand the difference among families, the dynamics, after I started spending time with my husband's family. But, that is a long ways off....
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Sunday, June 24, 1990

Dear Diary,
My parents say I'm no longer fat. I just have a bad attitude.

Well, there's an improvement. I think.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Friday, June 22, 1990

I hesitate to post this. It feels very private. Yet, I created this blog to be honest with myself. I wanted to see my life from another angle. This just wasn't the angle I was looking for.





Dear Diary,

I know lately I've been acting like a real jerk. Sure, my parents have been a little rough on me but maybe,just maybe, I deserved all of it. My mom might have done me a favor when she told me I made her sick to look at.

For some reason, now, my parents are being nice to me. That makes it kind of hard to wanna run away.

I wondered today what would really happen if I ran away. It rained all day today and I imagined myself cold and wet. Then I thought of the waste of starving myself and freezing only to find out that there is nobody out there who would want me. No one wants a runaway.

Then I wondered if my friends would miss me.

Maybe I can sort things out. Maybe. My life is a maybe.



That was tough to own up to. I am in denial about struggling with depression as an adult. Could I have been depressed as a kid? I think this is what depression looks like when written down in black and white. Why don't I remember writing this? Why didn't I write more? I can't imagine my mom saying I make her sick. I love her very much and I know she loves me too. Our relationship was strained back then. But what caused all that? I remember my childhood as happy. I remember my teen years as emotional. I cried a lot. But isn't that how it is for all teen girls? I'm not clearing anything up for myself. Just asking lots of new questions. I think I need to talk to this girl who was me so many years ago.

1990

It seems this year began pretty much the way the one before ended. Again, I think it is best if we just highlight the happenings. It will spare you boredom and leave me a small amount of dignity.

I continue to make eyes at a boy named Jeremy who does not return my affections.
I paused to celebrate Dax's 15th birthday. I longed for summer to come so I could turn 13. I was sure that when I was 13 Dax would look at me a little differently.
I found out that Grant liked me again. My list of boys to adore was too long to give Grant any time. Besides that, my friend Tori had started to like Grant. So, he was off the market for me for a while. I think Tori thought I was crazy when it came to boys (she was right). She was much more conservative and loyal with her affections.
I went to my first middle school dance. A boy named Jamie asked me to dance to a slow song. I had never given a thought to him before but was happy to have my first slow dance experience.
I find that I am not immune to the craze overcoming young girls. I become smitten with the boy band, New Kids on the Block. More precisely, I become obsessed with one of the members of this group, Joe McIntyre. Jeremy, Grant and even Dax drifted to the back of my mind as thoughts of Joe McIntyre filled my head. My obsession was further fueled when I won tickets off of the radio to one of their concerts. Despite my parents thinking I was too young to go to concerts I was allowed to go to the concert with one of my friends and my mom.
I could easily out do any Elvis fan with my affections for Joe McIntyre. I had it all, every album they'd made, books, magazines, t-shirts, hats, videos, pins, my own homemade scrapbook of all things Joe, posters adorned my bedroom walls. I lived, breathed and dreamed of Joe McIntyre. I tried my darndest to be his number one fan. I was sure my steadfastness would finally pay off. I would meet him, we'd fall madly in love, be married and live much more happily ever after than Elvis and Priscilla. (Side note to young girls....this won't happen to you. It didn't happen to me. A crush like this is a waste of good young years-but it may possibly be some sort of rite of passage. I'm still not sure)
I have been formulating exotic ways of running away from home because I am positive my parents will never understand me and even possibly hate me. ( However, none of my running away plans involve me be hungry, dirty, or without money and shelter. Hmmm. )

Well, that wraps up the first part of the year. I will review the second half and post it sometime.

1989

After reading ahead in my diary, I have concluded that nothing significant happened to me during the rest of the year. And if something significant did happen I didn't write about it nor do I remember it now. I will give you the brief overview. I promise, you aren't missing a thing!



I continued to have spats with my mom. I didn't understand her moodiness or my own.

I continued to pick fights with my sister Lucy. I decided she was too young to hang out with me. I was 12 now.

I joined our middle school volleyball team. We lost all of our games.

I started feeling mushy about Grant, started going with Grant, dumped Grant. I stayed at a friends house and shaved my legs for the first time.

I went a bit boy crazy going with or having crushes on: Carl, Jeremy, Grant (again), Travis, back to Jeremy again.

Through all of that there is still a name that appears on the majority of my diary pages, Dax. We spent time during the summer together at camp again. I loved every minute with him but nothing hinted that we were becoming more than friends. He sent letters to his cousin Mindy more often now always sending a "hi" along for me. Mindy would bring these letters to church for me to see for myself. I remember sitting there studying his handwriting, trying to read more than just the word hi that was scripted on the paper.

And sadly, that completes the year of 1989.