Dear Diary,
Sorry I haven't written lately. We've been busy with the house. Grant and I are doing fine. Right now I feel like Grant's the greatest.
Dax hasn't wrote. I decided I'm not writing until christmas unless he writes first.
Sometimes my mom gets on my nerves. I try to ignore her but sometimes I have to have a good cry. Is that normal?
Time to narrate...
When I said we were busy with the house, I am referring to my family building a new house. I had very mixed feelings about this. I loved our old house and didn't want to move. But, I did find the building process exciting. More on all of that later. Also, I promise, more on Grant later too. I just haven't quite figured out how to explain our relationship yet.
Is anyone surprised that I am still thinking of Dax daily? I had it bad for this boy. If I could go back and talk myself out of pining away for him, I could save a lot of heartache later. But that's life. (Sigh)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 11, 1988
Dear Diary,
Today I got it! Grant's necklace! I will put it on when I get on the bus and wear it during school, then take it off on the bus. Someday I'll tell mom and dad about Grant, if we last long enough.
I don't think kids still do this (maybe they do?). In my day the boys all had chain necklaces or bracelets. When they got a girlfriend they would give her their necklace to wear. It was kind of like swapping class rings or class jackets. We were just too young to have any of that stuff. But oh, every girl wanted to have a shiny chain around her neck. I, regrettably, was no different. I felt very grown-up and cool wearing Grant's necklace. It all seems trivial now.
Why so secretive you might ask. My parents were rather strict with me growing up. I think part of it was that I was the oldest child and somewhat of an experiment for them. They always frowned upon "boyfriends". They said I was too young. Now that I am an adult, I would agree that 11 is too young to have a real boyfriend and go on dates. However, what Grant and I had was hardly a real relationship. It was kid stuff. We said we were going together but in reality we didn't go anywhere. The only thing we did was write notes to each other in school. Harmless. But mom and dad wouldn't see it that way. I needed to be focused on my studies.
Did anyone notice that I took a boys necklace (a commitment) but doubted that the relationship would last. Does that make me fickle or wise?
Today I got it! Grant's necklace! I will put it on when I get on the bus and wear it during school, then take it off on the bus. Someday I'll tell mom and dad about Grant, if we last long enough.
I don't think kids still do this (maybe they do?). In my day the boys all had chain necklaces or bracelets. When they got a girlfriend they would give her their necklace to wear. It was kind of like swapping class rings or class jackets. We were just too young to have any of that stuff. But oh, every girl wanted to have a shiny chain around her neck. I, regrettably, was no different. I felt very grown-up and cool wearing Grant's necklace. It all seems trivial now.
Why so secretive you might ask. My parents were rather strict with me growing up. I think part of it was that I was the oldest child and somewhat of an experiment for them. They always frowned upon "boyfriends". They said I was too young. Now that I am an adult, I would agree that 11 is too young to have a real boyfriend and go on dates. However, what Grant and I had was hardly a real relationship. It was kid stuff. We said we were going together but in reality we didn't go anywhere. The only thing we did was write notes to each other in school. Harmless. But mom and dad wouldn't see it that way. I needed to be focused on my studies.
Did anyone notice that I took a boys necklace (a commitment) but doubted that the relationship would last. Does that make me fickle or wise?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Saturday, September 17, 1988
Dear Diary,
I started !!!!!!!!! I had my period !!!!!!!!!!! 6th grade, a new house, braces and now this !!!!!! HELP !!!!!!!!!
I started !!!!!!!!! I had my period !!!!!!!!!!! 6th grade, a new house, braces and now this !!!!!! HELP !!!!!!!!!
What girl doesn't remember starting her period? For months I had heard of other girls getting their periods and I had hoped for mine. I remember my disappointment when it finally happened and I had horrible cramps. I didn't feel suddenly grown up. I felt messy. I felt grouchy. I felt a little depressed. I just laid on the couch with a heating pad and thought that someone should have mentioned that getting your period really isn't fun. That "Blossoming Into A Woman" class in 5th grade was very misleading.
The week of Sept. 5th
Dear Diary,
We didn't have to go to school today because of labor day. Dad took us to Granny's. I got to see Lance again. We played his nintendo a lot. I need to write to Dax soon.
Dear Diary,
Mom has been taking me to the orthodontist. I may have to get braces. Oh no! I will find out tomorrow. Dax won't hardly recognize me in the summer. I'll have braces and I have decided to let my hair grow out.
Dear Diary,
Mom got me out of school today to take me to the orthodontist. Before I left school, Grant told me he'd write me a letter. The orthodontist was fine. He says I don't need full braces, just some in the back and some wires behind my teeth. So Dax shouldn't be able to tell that I have them! When I got back to school, Grant did give me a letter. It said "I wanted to tell you that I still like you". I like him a lot too.
Oh my.....did I really just talk about two boys at the same time? Yes, I did. This was the first time I have mentioned Grant. He was my on again, off again guy. You will hear more about him l am sure. He was around for several years. Ours was a strange sort of relationship.....
We didn't have to go to school today because of labor day. Dad took us to Granny's. I got to see Lance again. We played his nintendo a lot. I need to write to Dax soon.
Dear Diary,
Mom has been taking me to the orthodontist. I may have to get braces. Oh no! I will find out tomorrow. Dax won't hardly recognize me in the summer. I'll have braces and I have decided to let my hair grow out.
Dear Diary,
Mom got me out of school today to take me to the orthodontist. Before I left school, Grant told me he'd write me a letter. The orthodontist was fine. He says I don't need full braces, just some in the back and some wires behind my teeth. So Dax shouldn't be able to tell that I have them! When I got back to school, Grant did give me a letter. It said "I wanted to tell you that I still like you". I like him a lot too.
Oh my.....did I really just talk about two boys at the same time? Yes, I did. This was the first time I have mentioned Grant. He was my on again, off again guy. You will hear more about him l am sure. He was around for several years. Ours was a strange sort of relationship.....
Friday, March 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 31, 1988
Dear Diary,
Today in reading class, I got hit in the head with a book. (A book flying thru the air). Then I went to health class but I was really supposed to be in study hall. I hope tomorrow goes better. I keep thinking about what I should write to Dax.
Today in reading class, I got hit in the head with a book. (A book flying thru the air). Then I went to health class but I was really supposed to be in study hall. I hope tomorrow goes better. I keep thinking about what I should write to Dax.
Okay, I just think that was really funny. Does reading that make you think I am blonde? (I'm not). Here is a lesson learned: if I had not been constantly thinking about a boy I might have been able to dodge the flying book (avoiding a headache) and then able to go to my classes in the correct order (avoiding embarrassment). Thus eliminating the need to worry about if the next day of school would be better (avoiding unnecessary stress at age 11).
Saturday, August 27, 1988
Dear Diary,
Today I went with Dad to a church meeting at the camp ground. I got to see Lance. We had fun together, but we always do. Being at camp made me think of Dax again. Its been a few weeks since I wrote to him. I keep wondering why he hasn't wrote back. I might write him again in the beginning of September.
Today I went with Dad to a church meeting at the camp ground. I got to see Lance. We had fun together, but we always do. Being at camp made me think of Dax again. Its been a few weeks since I wrote to him. I keep wondering why he hasn't wrote back. I might write him again in the beginning of September.
Note to self: if you write boy and boy does not write back, stop writing boy!
Monday, August 22, 1988
Dear Diary,
Today I started school. I thought I was at the wrong bus stop because I was the only person there. I was at the right stop though. I only got lost at school once. It seems silly now that I was so nervous. In fact this is sort of fun! It is like going to kindergarten again in a way.
Today I started school. I thought I was at the wrong bus stop because I was the only person there. I was at the right stop though. I only got lost at school once. It seems silly now that I was so nervous. In fact this is sort of fun! It is like going to kindergarten again in a way.
I wish I would have learned something from this a long time ago. Things generally don't turn out to be near as bad as I anticipate. I spent too much time worrying over things as I was growing up. I wish I could go back and relax a little more.
And how big of a nerd am I, comparing middle school to kindergarten?!? I did like school. I made good grades and had fun with my friends. I didn't understand how some kids could not like school. (Have I mentioned yet what a sheltered life I led as a girl)
Good thing I documented that I didn't have bus stop issues. That could have changed the whole course of history.
Friday, August 19, 1988
Dear Diary,
Not much has happened since I last talked to you. So, I'll make this short and sweet. Mom went to the doctor today and after that she took us to look at a house. We're selling ours. It was nice but I just want to stay here in my house.
That was short and sweet, I guess. Oh the house drama....I guess this might be a good time to mention that I am a very sentimental person. I remember being very angry when my parents made the announcement that we were going to be selling our house. This might have been the beginning of the period in my life where I started to believe that my parents were crazy and didn't know what they were doing.
Not much has happened since I last talked to you. So, I'll make this short and sweet. Mom went to the doctor today and after that she took us to look at a house. We're selling ours. It was nice but I just want to stay here in my house.
That was short and sweet, I guess. Oh the house drama....I guess this might be a good time to mention that I am a very sentimental person. I remember being very angry when my parents made the announcement that we were going to be selling our house. This might have been the beginning of the period in my life where I started to believe that my parents were crazy and didn't know what they were doing.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Little About Dax
Dax Samuel Masterson....I can't pinpoint one certain thing that attracted me to Dax. It was the whole picture. I adored and idolized everything about him. He became the stuff that all of my little girl day dreams were made of. He was the image I conjured up to compare other boys to.
I don't think Dax would be considered really tall. But he was tall enough. I remember that I could lay my head over into his shoulder. It was as if I were made to nuzzle right there. (not that there was a lot of nuzzling, there wasn't) But I do remember that he wore Polo cologne and that smell is still comforting to me.
His eyes were blue. Not just blue but tropical ocean water blue. I would look up into those eyes and get lost. Do you know what it feels like to float on your back in the ocean? To lie there engulfed in the water feeling relaxed and safe, only your face and toes feeling the wind blow, total quietness, total peace...this is how it was to look into Dax's eyes.
His hair was a nice sandy blonde color. His hair combined with his blue eyes and golden tanned skin, I thought,made the perfect work of art. Dax took pride in his hair and the other guys liked to tease him for being so "GQ". I thought he was adorable. I didn't care if he had a slight addiction to styling products.
He did have a flair for style. He was usually dressed in the height of fashion. But even when he was only wearing a t-shirt and cut off sweats, his clothes hung on him in a way that made it look like each piece had been made especially for his body. At 11, I had never seen a more perfect specimen.
His looks weren't the only thing that drew me in. He had a wonderful sense of humor. I always laughed at all of his jokes. I found his smile to be contagious. All it took was a little grin from him and I would answer with a dopey, love sick, smile. I wonder if he knew just how much I liked him. I know that by the end he knew I had feelings for him. But was I as easy to read as I felt? Probably.
I never could fully read him. He would slip into melancholy moods at times and I just couldn't guess what he was thinking. This didn't put me off. It made Dax more of a mystery to me. He was a mystery that I so enjoyed trying to solve. I don't know how good of a friend I was to him during those summers that we were together. I hope he would still call me a friend. Many times I would be at a loss for words when it would seem like Dax was really needing something. I was quiet but steady. I was always by his side. He never seemed to mind. He never blew me off. Maybe I was his silent comfort. I like to think I was.
Dax and I both played the piano. He was much better than I was. I am sure he had been playing much longer than I had. I think he could play by ear, if not then he had a good memory because I don't remember him having sheet music around. There was a very old, out of tune piano at the camp. Dax spent a lot of time sitting at that piano. This is the most vivid memory I have left of him.
I would sit next to him on that old, creaky piano bench and listen to him play. It never got old for me. I think we were the envy of some of the other campers during these times. When he was playing and I was sitting beside him, we were in our own world. The two of us could shut out all of the other kids, all of the other noise, and all other activities. It was all about his music.
Because we were different ages, we were split into separate classes and activities. I could always hear his music. It called to me, distracted me from my own thoughts. I found reasons to leave my classes to go sit with him while he played. Other girls might gather to listen to him too but it was understood that only I sat with him. He taught me a few little ditties that we could play together. That was fun for me. We would be in sync with each other. Playing the piano with Dax bonded me to him.
I enjoyed listening to him play alone too. I remember that he played Fur Elise and Moonlight Sonata quite a bit. I went home from camp and taught myself to play Fur Elise just so I could continue to feel that closeness to Dax. Moonlight Sonata is the song that brings back memories of him the most. The melancholy tune seemed fitting for Dax. I studied him many times while he played it. I watched his body move with the rhythm. I watched his fingers caress the keys. I watched his brow furrow and his jaw tighten with concentration. He didn't just play the music. He was the music.
Watching Dax play the piano stirred something inside of me. At my young age, I had no idea what that stirring was but I liked it. Still today the sight of a young man playing the piano gives me a tingle. Dax was even writing his own piece of music. I can't remember the tune of it now. I remember I thought it was beautiful. I wonder if he ever finished the piece. My fantasy used to be that we would meet again and he would play it for me in its entirety. Then he would turn and give me that heart stopping smile and say, " I finally finished it. I call it Kate."
I don't think Dax would be considered really tall. But he was tall enough. I remember that I could lay my head over into his shoulder. It was as if I were made to nuzzle right there. (not that there was a lot of nuzzling, there wasn't) But I do remember that he wore Polo cologne and that smell is still comforting to me.
His eyes were blue. Not just blue but tropical ocean water blue. I would look up into those eyes and get lost. Do you know what it feels like to float on your back in the ocean? To lie there engulfed in the water feeling relaxed and safe, only your face and toes feeling the wind blow, total quietness, total peace...this is how it was to look into Dax's eyes.
His hair was a nice sandy blonde color. His hair combined with his blue eyes and golden tanned skin, I thought,made the perfect work of art. Dax took pride in his hair and the other guys liked to tease him for being so "GQ". I thought he was adorable. I didn't care if he had a slight addiction to styling products.
He did have a flair for style. He was usually dressed in the height of fashion. But even when he was only wearing a t-shirt and cut off sweats, his clothes hung on him in a way that made it look like each piece had been made especially for his body. At 11, I had never seen a more perfect specimen.
His looks weren't the only thing that drew me in. He had a wonderful sense of humor. I always laughed at all of his jokes. I found his smile to be contagious. All it took was a little grin from him and I would answer with a dopey, love sick, smile. I wonder if he knew just how much I liked him. I know that by the end he knew I had feelings for him. But was I as easy to read as I felt? Probably.
I never could fully read him. He would slip into melancholy moods at times and I just couldn't guess what he was thinking. This didn't put me off. It made Dax more of a mystery to me. He was a mystery that I so enjoyed trying to solve. I don't know how good of a friend I was to him during those summers that we were together. I hope he would still call me a friend. Many times I would be at a loss for words when it would seem like Dax was really needing something. I was quiet but steady. I was always by his side. He never seemed to mind. He never blew me off. Maybe I was his silent comfort. I like to think I was.
Dax and I both played the piano. He was much better than I was. I am sure he had been playing much longer than I had. I think he could play by ear, if not then he had a good memory because I don't remember him having sheet music around. There was a very old, out of tune piano at the camp. Dax spent a lot of time sitting at that piano. This is the most vivid memory I have left of him.
I would sit next to him on that old, creaky piano bench and listen to him play. It never got old for me. I think we were the envy of some of the other campers during these times. When he was playing and I was sitting beside him, we were in our own world. The two of us could shut out all of the other kids, all of the other noise, and all other activities. It was all about his music.
Because we were different ages, we were split into separate classes and activities. I could always hear his music. It called to me, distracted me from my own thoughts. I found reasons to leave my classes to go sit with him while he played. Other girls might gather to listen to him too but it was understood that only I sat with him. He taught me a few little ditties that we could play together. That was fun for me. We would be in sync with each other. Playing the piano with Dax bonded me to him.
I enjoyed listening to him play alone too. I remember that he played Fur Elise and Moonlight Sonata quite a bit. I went home from camp and taught myself to play Fur Elise just so I could continue to feel that closeness to Dax. Moonlight Sonata is the song that brings back memories of him the most. The melancholy tune seemed fitting for Dax. I studied him many times while he played it. I watched his body move with the rhythm. I watched his fingers caress the keys. I watched his brow furrow and his jaw tighten with concentration. He didn't just play the music. He was the music.
Watching Dax play the piano stirred something inside of me. At my young age, I had no idea what that stirring was but I liked it. Still today the sight of a young man playing the piano gives me a tingle. Dax was even writing his own piece of music. I can't remember the tune of it now. I remember I thought it was beautiful. I wonder if he ever finished the piece. My fantasy used to be that we would meet again and he would play it for me in its entirety. Then he would turn and give me that heart stopping smile and say, " I finally finished it. I call it Kate."
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